Convulsing the Wilderness

I read that in the Most Important Book and it causes a movie in my head.  "He convulses the wilderness...by His voice?"  I walk in His world this morning, as close to wilderness as I can get with the money and time that I have.  I walk along the path already worn for me and a leaf swirls by me, and another, and then another.  Death is coming soon, I think, and realize how morbid that sounds.  But I know what I mean. While I gather white pumpkins because I think they're especially beautiful and don't get paid much attention to next to their orange friends, that soul wilderness always nags at me.  Hayrides and corn mazes can't shake it out of me.  Time is passing, has passed, I want to whisper to the person next to me.  But I'm afraid I'll scare them, defeat them.  It's not what I really want to say.

I want to bring my wilderness home to Him, the lover of all my nagging thoughts and stolen joy and everything that never seems to last.  I want Him to make sense of busy that sometimes feels empty.  I want Him to wreck my self created peace; to rock my ideas of what I think everything means and bring me to the knees of my self.  I want His voice to boom deep over me.  I want His voice to convulse my world.

Candy Crush in my Hair

I got to stay all day at my "job" yesterday. I actually stayed longer than my allotted time. If I'd had a cot I'd have stayed all night.  Because when I'm not smiling, I'm praying and when I'm not praying I'm writing and when I'm not writing I'm crying and most times I'm doing them all at the same time.  My heart lives there now at my "job".  I can't write job any other way except in quotation marks because it just feels like the wrong word to call it.

I'm slowly beginning to make my way into being seen and known there at the school where I've been planted.  I move stealth through the halls, looking for ways to plant a seed.  Sometimes I take pictures to capture the breath and life of the place.  I copied stupendous amounts of music yesterday for one teacher and looked up as I stacked the pages neat to see "Ten Things God Wants You to Remember" on the wall where I stood.  He's everywhere, I think.  The smallest of tasks seems to take on a greater shade of Life and I warm my hands and heart in whatever I put them to.

"What kind of person do you want to become as you live out the story of redemption?"  The question hit me in my heart as I was reading.  This is what I want to challenge the kids with; "my" kids.  Already my heart had adopted them.  So, my girl made a banner and slowly, kids are coming in to sign it and I ask them their names and look them right in the eye and really see them.  Yesterday, kids came in and stayed; like on purpose to wait on their parents. And I sat on the floor while the liveliest of boys grabbed a piece of hard candy and threw it up to the ceiling and it landed on my head and filtered through my hair like shattered glass and we both laughed and I felt a pop tart burst of joy.  

Today a mom, a reader of my words, came in to meet me and fireworks went off; bing, bam, boing!  Our spirits went right to it, forgetting any pretense, and we locked hearts strong.  We're soldiers together now, ready to shore each other up with hard words and gentle prayers.  And I marveled quiet in my car as I drove away later.  Father, you amaze me.  Life is hard, really hard sometimes.  The gift of each other, rough and tumble though we be, willing to be wounded in the journey for and with each other, is one of Your good gifts to us.  Teach us to be brave enough to reach out and lock arms.

White House Nights Are Beautiful

Every morning since school began I take my Bible and go out by the baseball field and read His word back to Him out loud to make it real to me.  I call to mind the faces of the people I've met the day before and sit them out before him like treasures I found on a seashore.  I told God when this whole thing began that I would bring back whomever crossed my path that day and lay them quiet at His feet and invite Him in.  And each day He seems to bring someone new, someone He gently lays as a stone on my foundation so we can build together.

Yesterday I left the school to do my other "job" and found myself back earlier than expected and went into the lunchroom to get something to eat.  There sat a mom I hadn't met.  In the time it takes to eat a barbecue sandwich, she and I, we joined hearts.  "We used to have White House nights when I was growing up to teach us how to act in public," she said....and I stopped her.  Did you say "White House nights?? I did that with my kids!"  I almost cried right there.  That my Creator would delight in such a small heart string to tie together the Body of Christ together.

And today I sat in a group of women who come to the school to pray.  That's all. Pray.  And I found a quiet place after to cry happy tears that fall even now as I type this.  My heart is learning to safely trust.

And this.  These kids who literally have grabbed hold of me and caused me to fall hopelessly in love.

I sat in on an art class today and watched a new teacher , who I've gone to church with these past three years, swell up giddy happy at being able to do this."I never expected to love this so much!", she bubbled. I watched the kids come up to her and ask her a question and listen to her explain and she turned to me with a big smile on her face.  "Did you hear that??," she whispered?  "I just taught them something!".  Yes.  Yes!  I heard it and I celebrate quiet in my head for her.  Because I get that joy!

I took a walk right after lunch and looked up at the sky.  "Father," I choked out through joy threatening to spill down my face.  "You did all of this on my behalf.  Someone who's felt so small; so invisible for so long.  There's so much for me now it all keeps dropping out of my hands."  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  You are so beautiful to me.  

Lagoon Water is a Small Thing Really But....

I had a Money Pit moment this weekend.  My utility sink overflowed and created a beautiful beach scene in my kitchen.  The bathroom sink next to that filled up with what can only be described as swamp creature gross.  And just to finish things off, my kitchen sink in the next room, when the water settled, appeared to be blessed with sandy granola.  It all caught my attention. Except, I didn't know what to do about it but to call my trusty little "retired" plumber who's played Superman to my plumbing catastrophes in the past at a moments' notice.  This time though, when I called, he did not answer.   And so there was morning, and there was evening and the day passed with no plumbing relief.

So, me being a single woman and having become used to the category of...."I have no idea what that noise is so I will ignore it and hope it goes away"....I just simply pretended the water was not a problem and waited until the sink had drained and then did another load because I needed to do laundry.  And then?  Then I mopped up the effect of that.  And there was morning, and there was evening and the sun set on day two of lagoon water.

Yesterday morning, though, the sun shone bright on my old Kentucky home and Superman, the plumber, called.  He'd had his own catastrophe at home but things were settled now and he'd be over sometime later that day.  Since I was going to be gone, I left the front door unlocked and prayed vandals would take only what they absolutely needed and leave me something to work with.  When I came back home and walked into the kitchen/laundry room the angels sang.  Not only was the lagoon water and salty granola cleaned up, but my floor had been mopped bone dry and all was right with the world.

For those of you who have your man by your side, things like swamps in your kitchen are easier to take in stride.  But for me, yesterday, I learned that, once again, while I choose to wait for Him to provide that man that will love Him more than me, or never provide that man at all, God is the God of Lagoon Water and nothing is too small for Him to show off ridiculous mighty to win my heart.

All Working Momish.....and Straight Up Jazzed!

See that?  It's me being ridiculous happy for no real solid reason except that I came home to my crock pot meal today and then I took the leftovers and made chicken and rice soup in my big soup pot and then I filled up the crockpot with another meal and I met some real live high school students that I didn't know until today when they came in the store at school and stayed and talked to me and it made me sky high happy and one of my twelve year old friends burst into the store at the end of the day, all rambunctious and wrestly and made me laugh out loud and I put his hair in a ponytail like Flinstones Bam Bam and my mama heart just wrapped itself up in seeing him smile and hearing the kids laugh and I know this is a run on sentence but I run on when I'm jazzed and I am most definitely jazzed!

My girl and I "had" to stop at the store on the way home and pick up something for tomorrow's dinner.   I said "had"?  Because it feels so fun to be part of the "working mom's club" when it's work that fills my heart up to the overflow point. We giggled ourselves giddy fall-into-each-other when we saw a younger child looking at Naomi in her school uniform and I looked at my girl, desperately trying to hold onto "cool and I don't care at all," face and she failed miserably and smiled in spite of herself.

I alphabetized school forms today and prayed for a middle schooler who is trying it on and finding it takes time to feel ok to be a middle schooler when you've only just been in elementary grades up until now.  I jumped in my car and met a friend for lunch and we talked about life and how we'd each named our year "impossible" back when the January snow was on the ground.  Turns out, God is in the business of the impossible and we're both holding our cups out for more.  

Here's to Tuesday!  Bring it!

Moving My Face

This morning, all foggy and damp outside, we drove to church, my girl and I.  The thought drifted into my head unannounced; "Anything could happen today.  Live ready for the dime to turn and still be fixed steady on Who holds the dime."  I wondered where the thought came from and if it meant something; some kind of premonition.  I wagered more likely it was in light of all those I've met, and whose stories I've heard that have changed my walk profoundly in the past several months.  The "anything" doesn't hit me as fear so  much as perspective of the temporary.  To hold loosely and live as if you're gathering up the hung laundry before a storm.  Live it.  Now!

Sitting in church today, hearing about a young high school boy, strapping and athletic, who just last week went from playing soccer to living with a pacemaker.  I put my car in park right before I drove off to home and jumped out to hug a friend whose husband was here on this earth two weeks ago and suddenly....just wasn't.  And I looked her in the eye and didn't even try to say anything other than I loved her.  

We came home and curled up cozy to enjoy an afternoon of nothing to do in preparation for our first full week of school tomorrow.  The first three days the week before hinted that we were not quite used to the pace and it would take some time before we'd not want to go to sleep at 4 p.m.  So, we piled ourselves up with books and computers and settled in when it happened.  My girl yawned.  Just yawned.  And then we grabbed our keys and drove to the ER because once her mouth had opened, it would not shut again.  And I was weirded completely out, the question marks flying through my brain.  What if?  What now?  What the heck??

It all turned out fine.  She's at home now, jaw back where God intended it to be, tucked in her room reading.  And I sit on my porch pondering that thought I'd had when dawn broke today.  What does the day hold, I wonder?  It turns out it held reminders that it's all fragile; all a gift.  Sometimes it turns out alright.  Sometimes it doesn't feel alright at all.  Sometimes it's as simple as moving your face wrong.  Sometimes your heart turns on itself and you can't play sports anymore for the rest of your life.

We're thankful, the girl and I, as I listen to the evening humming of summer, sipping my iced tea.  My mind calls up the image of a woman standing outside the ER door as we left.  She'd been there when we first arrived; that edgy, anxious look people in hospital waiting rooms have, as if they're hoping you can't find them if it's bad news.  I'm whispering comfort for her tonight.  

In the Middle of the Night

No baby feeding, no puppy sitting,  no bad dreams, no "excuse" for being up at this hour....which would be 3:25 a.m. currently.  Just, one minute I was sleeping where now I am not.  So I grab my electronic friend and tap out quiet words.

I think about my boy out in Montana, and the fact that he is probably awake in his Dan in Real Life house that he shares with others (If you've not seen that movie, do);  where the laundry room is part of his room, and that it suits him and pleases him to be there, learning life and sorting out truth.

I consider that my granddaughter, Beatrice, is growing inside her mother; my beautiful girl, and that I get to meet her, at least from the outside bump, in just a few weeks.  Her mama and daddy will be coming "home" from Denver for a few days and I will gather friends they know, and some they don't, and some I barely know myself,  to celebrate life.

I hear my daughter, my last one at home, quietly moving and breathing in her bed in the next room. What a week she's had; her first "real" school in a building other than home, with pencils and lockers and bells.  She and I compared notes at the end of each day, checking for signs of growth and adventure.

It's Sunday right now and in a few hours we will make our way to church, where others have gathered from life lived, some with bumps and bruises, others with glorious tales to tell.  Oh, that we can be real with each other and find the courage to open the windows of our souls and not trample too hard or tread so gingerly that no one can feel that we've been there.

We'll stop at the school today, up the hill from church, my girl and I, and put the banner we made up on the wall of the spirit store to challenge the kids who walk by the window; to love them with words that make their heart think on purpose.

It's now 4 a.m. and I wish I had oreos and I wonder why my utility sink is stopping up and did enough water drain out so I can finish the load of laundry I started last night?  Maybe I'll go check and make myself a chocolate chip waffle while I'm up.