Requiem: My Year of Losing Control

It's difficult to grab the pieces of yourself that are breaking off before they fall to the floor when you have a coffee pot in your hands.  My eyes looked out hollow, my heart beat listless and thick.  "What if....what if you just let yourself fall apart?", he said.  I sucked in breath, like I'd been shot.  Had I?  It hit like a bullet to the bone.  I could fall apart?  That was the day I excused myself from my regularly scheduled programming to look down and see that there was blood all over my shirt where my soul used to be.  I sat my coffee pot down and didn't stop crying for a year.

My eyes leaked grief and snot ran out my nose in front of everyone and I couldn't stop it and I didn't try to anymore.  I checked my map and noticed I'd arrived at the end of myself.  Hands reached out towards me and I shrunk back.  You can't take hold of hope when you're a ghost.  I floated out to the empty and sat down and looked up towards the dark.  Can I be done now?, I asked the nothing.  This tired feels too big.  And I'm invisible.  It sounded like nothing said "Yes."  But I had lost my hearing.

"Stand up.  I have something to say to you." It was seven years come and gone. The voice came from behind me like a clarion call.  It belonged to a stranger but it carried a weight that caused me to obey it.  I looked into the eyes of Truth that day and it scooped inside of me and drew out lies bigger than my mind could listen to anymore.  "God wants you to know He sees you.  He has heard the cry of your heart and He will not let you go unseen.  He will not let you go unnoticed."  

Years before, I had been in intensive care on a respirator to keep from dying.  With the tube still down my throat, I started to wake up before they were ready and tried to breathe on my own.   Nothing happened and I started to panic.  The nurse gave me something to put me back to sleep until I could stabilize and they were sure I was healed.  This day, though......this was the day my dry spirit bones woke up and breath whooshed in like an oxygen mask and I was resuscitated by my very Creator.  

It changes a person, to be known by Love.  As it turns out, to fall apart made room for the empty to be filled.  I sit peaceful now, breathing steady.  The nothing became Someone and I look out of  His eyes to see a road I have no control over. And I take in gulps of trust that fills my lungs with Life.  And I ride the wind brave, like a feather, because my heart is home.

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