I've eaten my three little Tastykake chocolate snack cakes and had my coffee. And I'm still hungry. No. Wait a minute. I'm not that hungry; that kind of hungry. My soul feels hungry. And that makes me restless. And then I start searching. How easily, in our culture, we find ways to pacify and mask a hunger that goes beyond our biological appetite.
I find myself at a crossroads in life. My daughter is moving away to Colorado. Another daughter is spending the summer in California. My youngest biological son is preparing to go off to college. And I feel like I'm walking around having open heart surgery without anesthesia. I want to cry at the drop of nothing. I feel joyful at who they've become. I panic. And I eat Tastykakes.
The career of motherhood is unique. You sign up to work yourself out of a job. And when you feel that time is approaching and you realize you're becoming more of an appointment on the calendar of a young, busy life rather than the center of the swirl......it leaves you sometimes whispering in the dark..."Father? Are you there? Hello? What now?"
There is change on this here horizon....I sensed God telling me that back around Christmas. And I purpose to ride the wave with my eyes fixed on my God. I've still got life in me, dreams, visions......where to, Lord? I've got a daddy that needs taken care of. I want to live big and out loud and fearless. But on days when I tremble just a little.....I've got a Tastykake in my purse.
Good advice for all moms. We have all signed up to work ourselves out of a job. Their launch is our "graduation". But trust me they still love you, and want to see you and want your hugs even by phone or email, no matter where in the world they are. They love you, there's only one mom. I remember once last fall telling my son to take a jacket to the beach that it was going to turn cold. He hugged me and smiled and said: "Mom, I made it through Afghanistan alive. I got this." We will always be moms...and deep down in their darkest moments we have taught them they are never alone...they always have God and they always have mom.
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