Warning: Emotional Landmines Ahead

In a week's time I've had three different people tell me they struggled with jealous feelings towards me.  That sounds like I'm gloating.  I'm not.  It makes me want to grab all the couch cushions and build a fort around myself in a corner somewhere.  I hear sounds, all modern dance and music, disonant and jagged edge sounds, coming at me.  It feels like that disorienting noise in a haunted house.  I. don't. know. what. to. do.  I don't know what to do.  Idon'tknowwhattodo.  I repeat it to myself incessantly and cover my ears to not hear my own voice.

My church lady voice tells me to smile sweetly and "thankyousooomuch" and feign flattery and  goodwill.  My evil twin licks my lips and drinks the poison that promises to make me feel important, to fill that maddening void that threatens to swallow me if I'm not "seen".  My little girl whimpers.  This feels like being punished for being alive.  I know that feeling.  It causes me to shrink back and apologize for what I don't understand I'm doing wrong.

I'm sending up flares.  I'm trying to breathe here.  My wings are unfurling, all damp and fragile, and I need you to help me.  I want you to write your name on them somewhere and help teach me what you know about flying.  Pedestals are for falling off  of and I've already done that with the scars to show you. It leveled me low and helped me to see better, clearer. Comparing is to decide which is better, which is more, which lacks.  In my own mirror, I've pitiful little to show for my effort.  And none of it matters anyway.

I feel lonely with this jealous thing in the room.  I don't know where to stand or what to say.  I think I hear ticking and brace myself for an explosion, for the death of something.  What I really want?  What I really crave?  I want you to sit beside me and share my sandwich with me.  I want you to like me.  I want you to love me. I want to love you.  I want to know it's ok to be me; and only me.  Just me.  I don't want to steal anything from you.  I don't want you to cut off my legs.  I just want to be your friend.  I want to know who you are.