I said goodbye to my boy this morning. He made his childhood dreams come true months ago and moved himself to the mountains of Montana. He was home for a short visit this week. He has chosen some things on his path that are different from me; different from what I would have for him. I don't think he's believing Truth at the moment but I also believe Truth has hold of him. I looked him square in the eyes, though, and told him that I loved him, told him that he makes me proud. That I would never abandon him. Never turn away from him. He held me close while I sobbed out what felt like my guts. I would die for him. I loosened my hold on him and let him go. "Oh my God. This hurts," I screamed silently. "Hold him for me. I can't anymore."
I have to stop typing here for a second and try and breathe.
My faith, this year, has wreaked havoc on me. I don't do life like I used to. And I don't want to. I have learned to love and live more authentically. I know many of you that will read this don't believe like I do, don't make the same choices that I do, don't understand everything I'm saying. I don't care. It doesn't frighten me or frustrate me anymore. I grab hold of you glad anyway and am pleased to have you in my life, if you'd like to be. I know how to let you be beside me and not be exactly like me. There will be a place for you at my table, regardless.
I've sold myself out solid to what I do believe is truth and I'm situated there quite uncomfortably. Nothing about it feels okay. Everything, including myself, feels unfamiliar to me. As soon as I staked myself into the ground and called out boldly, the ground started rumbling underneath me. I could feel myself look around with a wild eyed look, holding my arms out to steady me. My walls started to fall down around me and I found myself exposed and standing in a very bright light. "Be naked," I seemed to hear in wordless speech. "It's in your nakedness that I will fully use you."
Trouble is, when you're naked, you stop wearing your defenses. God has become that for me. He doesn't do things the way I would. This makes me nervous, breathless, wavery some days, but boldly honest with Him and everyone around me. I can't afford to hide anymore. It costs too much and I don't have that kind of currency. I traded it in for Grace.
My "work", what I do to eat and have electricity, is fulfilling to me and given to me straight from His hand. The thing is, it feels unsure and fluid right now, like mercury. I don't know where it's going. It scares me a little to not know what's next. It scares me a lot actually. And I have dreams of bigger things, riskier things, that I carry around in a bubble over my head. Will they happen? God?, I say, as I peer up at the bubble. For right now, God, though, will I have enough money to pay for living?
I met a man this year. I did not go looking for him. It woke my heart up and it started to beat in his direction and toward his beautiful boy. He sent me a picture of the two of them one day and I fell into it. I thought sure God had given him to me. I had a dream and believed it. But, the man? He did not have the same dream I did and I had to usher myself out of his life to try and get my balance, to let him go on his way and not get in his way. I cried disappointment bigger than I could contain; still do some days. I miss him, miss his boy. How could I have read that so wrong? I'm learning to live in the unanswered, the mysteries of why with no "because" response.
I've called myself out to all of you, standing true to my failings. And here recently I've gone to the last vestige of my own hypocrisy and walked out my faith by walking back into my mother's life. I feel vulnerable so big it makes my teeth chatter like when you're so cold. She scares me where my heart lays open. She's wounded it mighty. But I lay it bare, knowing full well I will probably feel the sting again. I went because I don't own myself anymore. I went because the One who loves me asked it of me.
I sit here alone on the floor of my friends' empty new house, waiting for the carpet installers to get here because she had to go to work. I had the time, time unfilled, that I'm trusting the Father with. This is where He wanted me today. I grab my Bible, one given to me by a death row inmate several years ago, and read these words out loud into the silence of the house and my voice echoes :
My heart exults in the Lord....I rejoice in Your deliverance
There is no holy one like the Lord
Truly, there is none beside You.
There is no rock like our God.
Talk no more with lofty pride
Let no arrogance cross your lips.
For the Lord is an all knowing God
By Him actions are measured. 1 Samuel 2
I look at the day in front of me; the unknown days ahead, and I lay myself down with no weapons beside me, no lofty pride, no arrogance. I've spent it all bankrupt. I have made Him my one thing. I learned this week that "shalom", in Hebrew means "all is well, as it pertains to a prosperous spirit."
So, if you ask me how I am? I'm not okay in the "just fine" sort of way; but shalom seems a good answer to me.
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