Doing Something Honest

I crave honest like decadent chocolate.  I'm so hungry to be laid bare before my Creator; to let Him garden in my heart at His good pleasure.  I don't fear His spade anymore like I used to because it's covered in His tears.  He cries when I cry; He cries more when I have been blind to Him, when I have drawn back without full trust.  When I have doubted.  And I have doubted.  Because honest requires open heart surgery. That is painful and leaves scars.  It whispers in me to live without answers always.  It poses the possibility of dying without knowing why.

I walk with my blinders off now and don't carry a shield to keep the world away.  That means people speak into my life or walk out of my life; it means I spend time sifting and sorting what I hear and feel and taste and see and I walk alive doing it.  Some days I'm flat wrong and have to spoon through a bowl full of regret.  Now, though, that feels like honest and good work to be done because I don't digest the regret.  I see it full on and nod my head without delay and exchange it for a meal of healing and truth.

I have asked for, and been given, friends who will challenge me, who won't leave me to cut bait and wander on my own.  We do life with our hands dirty and tears sometimes running down our faces but we do life real.  There is no exchange for letting someone see you as you really are and have them "keep" you, bump up against you, yell at you even, but.....keep you.

I have honest days now.  They hurt and sand me raw sometimes; they cause me to gasp surprised others.  When I look at you, I look at you open and ready to receive what you're brave to share.  I'm always delighted at being invited in.  It's a glimpse of the Father's hand, welcoming me into His work; doing something honest.