The last three months or so? We'll call that "uncomfy grace". Mainly because the Almighty seemed to have plans He wasn't filling me in on. Except? Except to say..."Be still. Sit still. Shhhh." I'd start to shred paper like a hamster and find myself compelled to do something, do anything but just sit still, for cryin out loud. It's so irresponsible to simply trust, when all signs point to flashing red lights of danger. Isn't it?
Tonight I sit on my big red couch that I inherited some years back from my favorite coffee shop when they closed their doors. I'm pushing ideas around in my head and typing and deleting and typing again to somehow turn a marvel into words you can read that explode in your heart. My sitting still, my hearts' desires that my Creator planted in my spirit months ago and watered quiet as I went about my life, bloomed big today and sit smiling on my horizon. For in this week alone, the nightly warfare of pushing back worry of car troubles and money squeaking tight and dreams going unanswered and sliding them off my back and onto the floor in front of His feet....again? This week, when I'd finally laid my paper shredding down and laughed ridiculous to the ceiling at how incapable I was of finding solutions because I just couldn't see any, He solved them all. And I am quieted before Him. "Sit still, my daughter." Did you hear that? My daughter.
And here's the bigger thing of it. What if none of it got "fixed"? What if this week my angel friends hadn't driven their car to my door and handed me the title because mine died? What if I faced another week of not enough money coming in and figuring in my head what else I could let go of, shy of electricity and I hadn't been blessed ,not once, but several times with monetary gifts? What if my yearning to be around kids, to hug them and encourage them and listen to them and let them know they are loved with an Everlasting Love had not been met this morning with the "perfect" job for me? What if everything looked unmet and unfinished? Or, what if everything looks aligned to the "nines" and I suddenly died? And everyone I loved, all those I am so fortunate to have cheering me on, are left standing bewildered? What if what we think "should" happen...didn't?
I've walked many days, weeks, months and years when things didn't turn out. I've reaped consequences from my own actions or those of others. I've had some things happen that still don't make sense to me. So, these few days past go down sweet and sit in my belly like hard won supper. This I want my children to know tonight as I write; these words I want them to read some day to whoever is standing with them when they lay me down; to mark it in their own hearts as they continue on. It was enough. It was always enough. Because, in the end, God, it turns out, gave me my hearts' truest desire. He made me a new creation, old things passed. Behold, new things were made in me and He only sees me holy now. Nothing else compares to that.
Whether I'm standing beside you or whether I'm no longer here, this is the love song I'll be singing to you.
Tonight I sit on my big red couch that I inherited some years back from my favorite coffee shop when they closed their doors. I'm pushing ideas around in my head and typing and deleting and typing again to somehow turn a marvel into words you can read that explode in your heart. My sitting still, my hearts' desires that my Creator planted in my spirit months ago and watered quiet as I went about my life, bloomed big today and sit smiling on my horizon. For in this week alone, the nightly warfare of pushing back worry of car troubles and money squeaking tight and dreams going unanswered and sliding them off my back and onto the floor in front of His feet....again? This week, when I'd finally laid my paper shredding down and laughed ridiculous to the ceiling at how incapable I was of finding solutions because I just couldn't see any, He solved them all. And I am quieted before Him. "Sit still, my daughter." Did you hear that? My daughter.
And here's the bigger thing of it. What if none of it got "fixed"? What if this week my angel friends hadn't driven their car to my door and handed me the title because mine died? What if I faced another week of not enough money coming in and figuring in my head what else I could let go of, shy of electricity and I hadn't been blessed ,not once, but several times with monetary gifts? What if my yearning to be around kids, to hug them and encourage them and listen to them and let them know they are loved with an Everlasting Love had not been met this morning with the "perfect" job for me? What if everything looked unmet and unfinished? Or, what if everything looks aligned to the "nines" and I suddenly died? And everyone I loved, all those I am so fortunate to have cheering me on, are left standing bewildered? What if what we think "should" happen...didn't?
I've walked many days, weeks, months and years when things didn't turn out. I've reaped consequences from my own actions or those of others. I've had some things happen that still don't make sense to me. So, these few days past go down sweet and sit in my belly like hard won supper. This I want my children to know tonight as I write; these words I want them to read some day to whoever is standing with them when they lay me down; to mark it in their own hearts as they continue on. It was enough. It was always enough. Because, in the end, God, it turns out, gave me my hearts' truest desire. He made me a new creation, old things passed. Behold, new things were made in me and He only sees me holy now. Nothing else compares to that.
Whether I'm standing beside you or whether I'm no longer here, this is the love song I'll be singing to you.
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