There's this thing I do. Think too much. And sometimes? I wake myself up thinking. How is this possible? It used to be a thing I arm wrestled. But now, it feels like a gift. Because I get to sit quiet and unwrap the time, just me and Him. And sometimes He whispers things to me about you. And I pray them for you.
Today/tonight....He reminded me of this song. This is a song about me and what He did for me. I was a cowering tenement girl who carried shame just for being. And then later, shame for doing. And I almost died from the fear of all of it.
Today I walk through life still smiling out of little girl eyes. It makes me act younger than I am and feel Christmas excitement some days for no real reason. Other times, it makes me sit down hard out of breath at how big I feel something and how much it hurts and I can't fix it. I think that's why I love kids so much. They be what they are and what they feel and say what they mean. I feel safe with them, knowing I'll get truth, knowing they'll understand my language. I climb into their world and feel at home noticing them and helping them to notice others.
But, as this song says, when I was grown, grown up on the inside, He carried me out of that tenement room and did a new thing in me. Because He loved me completely. So my broken child girl inside can feel and cry and not sleep and smile and come alongside others knowing it will hurt and wear me out and I may end up with a snotty nose from crying.
So, I'm up in the middle of the night, keeping company with my coffee cup because it feels reckless to drink caffeine at 3:41 a.m. and I can because I don't have to get up and because I'm just fine with not being asleep.
Besides that? I want chocolate covered cashews in a bad way right now.
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