Slapping the Walls

Sometimes, it's that sense of isolation that threatens to take us down; take me out.  Broad daylight's bad enough but in the middle of the night; that's the killer.  So He wakes me up and I find myself reaching for my headphones, taking care to put the left earpiece in my left ear, because I sure don't want to hear my right eared music in the wrong ear, and the sound of what nails me back down to what's real fills my head and I feel myself grab hold of the words like an oxygen mask.

My biggest contradiction is that, while I sometimes fear I'm too different from everybody else, I peel the layers of myself open wide to show you, in hopes that I can silence that lie, in the effort to flattten the imagined hills and valleys that separate us from each other.  In my vulnerability, I can make you feel real to me; spark the arc of connection.  In our realness with one another, He becomes more real to me.   Soverign, by Chris Tomlin, sings to me now and I go to my post on Facebook about praying for all of you and find there messages from many of you...."say a prayer for me". It feels like whispering in the dark.  He wraps Himself around me in those messages.

I begin to walk through my house, listening.  "God, whatever comes my way.  I can trust You.  Soverign in my greatest joy, soverign in my deepest cry.  With me in the dark, with me in the dawn.  From beginning to the end, I can trust You."  I play it over and over as I pace, speaking your names out loud to Him in those words.  "Yes.  YES," I say out loud and slap the wall as I walk by.  Just to make sure it's real.