On the Eve of My First Day of School. ...and Other Disquieting Thoughts

I sat outside tonight at my daughters' school. Those words sound like talkin nonsense in my head when I think them.  She was at a new student function, sinking her roots in with never-before-known peers.  While I waited I got hungry so I took a drive to forage for food and ate it greedy while I made my way back to the school.  I pulled back into a full parking lot, the first time since all this new opened up before us, that the parking lot was full of cars.  And suddenly, a swell of everything swooshed into my heart and lungs and bones and marrow and even my ears felt full.  What in the world  was I doing here??

A soccer game was commencing and men and women walked by twos, piling out of their cars, cars much nicer than mine, their kids running ahead of them eager to get in play.  My "new" car is a far cry better than what I had before.  Still, it's not a BMW or a Suburban and I smile sheepishly to myself.  Myself.  As in, not in a party of two.  I feel that "out of water" feeling again that divorce produces.  I used to drive nice cars and be a pair, I wanted to call out, you know, just in case anyone wondered.  I used to be like you.  I long for another half, one that sharpens me and thinks I'm cute.  One to take my hand and walk to soccer games with.  But tonight, I remember that I am my Beloved's and He is mine and however I think I feel, I choose to walk in truth.  I am chosen.  Plus, He probably thinks I'm cute.  He made me.

I decided to get out of my nice-to-me car and go sit on a big decorative rock in front of the school and watch the game unfold, except that as I look down to gather my things I notice that my top is covered in mustard that had dripped it's way down my front from that hamburger I was eating.  I stifled what threatened to be a full on laugh at myself because....well... because strangers were walking by and I was already alone, in a semi ok car, as yet unknown by anyone and now I had a mustard covered shirt.  This seemed a precarious way to introduce myself, and yet somehow so very me.  I hang my purse around my neck so it falls in front of me and covers my sad top and walk like an out of season Christmas tree over to the rock that is hopefully higher than I at this point.

I perch by the door of the school,  well away from the soccer field, so I can see them and ponder my thoughts.  High school boys burst from the door, all taller than me and hairy legs and deep voices and I suddenly feel intimidated.  This is so much....this car thing, and people in Noah's ark pairs and big scary boys and what was God thinking??  Are you sure about this, God??  I already love these kids, this school, these teachers.  You put that there inside of me but....is that it??  Is that enough??  What if they don't like me?  What if I don't fit in?  What if I can't keep up?  What if all I have is love?  What if I don't have anything to give that anybody wants?  Whatifwhatifwhatif....what if I'm not enough of anything or everything?

I start to feel like someone who slipped into the back door at a party I wasn't really invited to and the temptation rises wild to fade to black and white like I used to do.  So I had my girl take my picture as I smile brave and purposely fade the colors.  I'm wearing the school t shirt I find on the "free rack" because I could afford it.  I sit here, looking at my own picture, and I want to hug that girl.  I know her well.  She wants to love....and love well.  Just sometimes she panics and starts to believe lies.

So, tomorrow, I start school and I will meet people braver than I will probably feel, and hope my hair curls in a way that doesn't look too wild and that I don't say stupid things.  And I will whisper prayers just on the edge of fear...God?  Love them through me.  And maybe....maybe that's enough.

I eat macaroni and cheese with lots of pepper that my girl made me just now while I wrote,  and it tastes warm and comforting.  I read words from His word..."My feet have held to Your paths.  My legs have not given way."  My legs feel a little rubbery as I think about tomorrow, about the year ahead....and yet I know that He's placed me on this path.  And I'm grateful to learn how to walk it in my weakness and watch Him be strong