Nightfall Thoughts.....

It's the end of the day and it's been a full one.  I shake my head at how God surprises me, like a man at the door with flowers, all grinning and handsome.  He knew I needed to be reminded that He loved me, that He was there, that He takes delight in me.  So He gave me more than my cup could almost hold today.  It's His way, when you least expect it.  I'm grateful that I have more than enough.  I'm right tired to the bone tonight.  But I know I put my hand to how He made me.

I helped four different families today.  Four households that have become friends; people that I love and love me back.  I long to be able to do this someday and not have to rely on it to eat and have electricity.  My heart thrives on seeing where I can help.  And the bigger payoff is not money, but that hearts are knit together and I live full up to the top.

I hear my girl sing to herself as she fixes her hair, just freshly washed.  I smile to myself.  She's my faithful companion.  The last of my six.  I feel my stomach clinch up sometimes when I think about the time, fast approaching, when she will fly.  It's right and good and I swell up proud inside but, man, I'm gonna miss her.  And I wonder how it will feel to finally be alone for real.  To not have her there to laugh with or make late night runs to get hot fudge cakes.  I have to trust.  To shake off the dread I feel.

Ah, I feel restless tonight.  I want to go somewhere, to get on a plane and feel my ears pop and ignore the safety instructions because I'm too excited to listen.  To land and hear the buzz in an airport I've never been in before.  To wonder what color the rental car will be and where would be a good place to eat.  I look up.  Someday, Father?  I can travel again like I used to?

It's air is cool outside and I wrap my hands up so they almost disappear in my hoodie as I type.  It's funny how your emotions are.  Like bumper cars at a carnival, they crash into one another; first content, then lonely, then satisfied, now wistful. At night, in my yard, I take stock of them all, like a camping list before you leave. I look around  at how green the grass is and how it always seems birds fly in twos.  And how writing "camping lists" makes me almost smell the hot dogs cooking on a campfire and ack....I get restless again.

I need to go to the grocery store before it's too late to get power greens and almond butter and raspberries and toilet paper.  One of those I will not be eating.  I remember that I've made a pact with myself to not eat sugar for ten days and so do not put chocolate on the grocery list.  Do not even think about chocolate.

I look back over this and think how someone reading this might laugh at my silliness, my randomness, the fact that I took time to write it down and publish it.  But I like to write and offer it up and pretend that you're sitting beside me. It makes me feel connected, knowing someone's listened; hoping I made someone smile or feel something.

I'll get my book and curl up soon and listen to the dryer hum.  I'm reading Worldwalk  again, one of my favorite books.  I haven't held it in my hands in years but I will go all over the world through the author's eyes.   I'll hug my girl goodnight, grateful.

That's what I'm thinking about tonight.  :)