I wanted to tell you something. People who are filled with joy? We usually feel really deep. And we cry. Usually in secret. Or not able to be secret about it at all and it spills right out. I, for some reason, seem to be asked to step into the light and be vulnerable to you, my friends. Friends I know and friends I've never met but when I tell you my heart, you become my friends, whether you receive it or not. Because my heart is what is real and because I love people.
I found my way to my back yard just now and sat down in the too tall grass and burst into tears. Not just any tears. But the kind that make you suck in air, like a kid who cries so hard they can't breathe.. I've been holding it in for days. And I don't know why. Sometimes? Sometimes this world just gets to me. I turned this song on and listen to it over. And over. I read what God put in my ears today again. "The Lord will fight for you. And you shall hold your peace and remain at rest." Ex 14:14 The thing is? I don't know what He's fighting for but I feel in the middle of a battle. And friends, I find myself crying big tears, feeling so tired. Like, in my bones tired.
Bling makes me tired. Loud, brash living sucks me dry. Pretending makes me sad and worn out. I feel laid flat from anything that sucks the "real" out of the air. I don't know why I'm crying, I know exactly why I'm crying. I feel used up and thrown off to the side so I cry. I feel filled up and running over, so I cry for that.
That's the thing about a joyful person. We seem like we don't need. But, we do. I just needed you to know. This world is not my home. And yet, right now, I'm sitting in my grass, in my yard, where my house sits.....longing for every drop of life I can squeeze out while I'm "on assignment" here.
No real words touch it right now. But, those are the ones I could piece together. I wanted you to know, that if you ever cry in secret for no reason and every reason? You are not alone.
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