Rockin that Gentle and Quiet Spirit Thing!

I started to "take a tone" with this piece; that church lady thing?  But I knew those of you who knew me would call me out on it so I decided to write "clean" and honest.  I have been described, in a recent weeks' time, by completely different people as "a whirlwind, zesty, jubilant, vibrant, bubbly,  a nut and my personal favorite by my kids; a doodle. I can be introspective and quiet.  I know how to sit in church prim and proper like and not disturb my neighbor.  You can take me out places.  I promise.  I know how to behave.  I can sometimes get lost in taking a thought off the shelf and looking at it like a diamond, rolling it over and over and analyzing the stuffing out of it.  But my personality is generally akin to a puppy.  I will lick you on the face and pee down my leg from sheer happiness to see you, to be with you!

I am single.  That is primarily due to divorce.  But, since that time, I have remained single sometimes because the men I liked didn't return the sentiment or because the ones that approached me were not what I knew I wanted in a man I would choose to walk beside.  At least, that is the explanation in the "natural" world.  But I know different now.  I know my insides and how they'd gotten twisted and knotted back on themselves.  See, the Bible describes what is precious in a woman in God's sight as"the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."  I like the way The Message puts it.  "Cultivate inner beauty.  The gentle, gracious kind that God delights in."  I would always stop right there and form a mental picture of the Mona Lisa.  I had decided that that meant I needed to swallow all but my head and become absorbed by a man or by my friends' and their opinions.  I set aside the essence of who I was and disappeared.  I was afraid to be me, because what if that was the wrong thing?  Instead, I read "quiet" and pushed the mute button.  It was easier that way; until it wasn't.

I've told my story in other places on my blog.  But after the top of my head exploded, I had a choice.  I could stuff all the messy fear back inside and sew me up tight or I could lay it all out in the Son and look it over careful with His eyes.  I chose the latter and I've not looked back.  Those of you who knew me before the explosion have seen the difference.  Those of you who've met me after, can't fathom that I could have been that person.  I can't either, now.  Because here is the rest of that verse.
"Cultivate inner beauty.  The gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.  The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way...you'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated."  Did you catch that?  I'd stopped too soon and missed the point!  I was an anxious and intimidated wife, friend and daughter of the King and I was robbing myself until the day  God wrestled me to the ground and yanked my own hand off of my own mouth.

As my viney twisty thinking started to unravel,  I allowed my Teacher, my Defender, my Father to shine down bright and cause the sprouts of me to grow into full blooms.  Where before I used to look in the mirror and see my face all duct taped up, I heard Him say "Daughter.  Look again!"  He has taught me that in my "bubbly" I can be unintimidated in loving others and sowing into their lives gently but boldly; that in my "jubilance" I can pay attention to the hearts of those around me and come alongside quiet.  I have learned that being "quiet" doesn't mean being silent, but being strongly, inwardly confident in Whose I am and in Whose hands I put things.

These days I wear my new me more comfortably.  I still have days where I fear my whirlwind doodle self might be too much this or not enough that. I am a different kind of friend now with a door to my house and my life that is always open.  I have been single, married and divorced and  can encourage those of you who have your man beside you to not fear being his peace, to use your words to build him strong and your Father to lay him at His feet.  And, don't forget a side of zest, just to keep him guessing.

A friend of mine gave me a plaque with the words "Your crazy is showing.  You might want to tuck that back in."  You know what?  I think I'll let mine fly a little.