This "new" normal I'm in, this walking around in a new skin that feels like a daughter of the King and learning to believe it, is exhilarating most days. I find my old fears fading. My courage and boldness and joy are growing into strong plants with stems that feel thick as a redwood tree. They seem to be forming a garden shield around me that makes me brave enough to step out into the water without remembering that I can't swim and not caring if I drown in the process.
For all the progress I've been graced with, though, there is one relationship in my life that I don't have down. I don't know what to do, so I do nothing. And Mother's Day finds me lost for much emotion or a plan. Except for fear. I am afraid of my mother. It's irrational in the natural. She's 83 years old and not a physical threat. But in my spirit? There's where I quake. Broken, damaged people that haven't allowed the light in can do what feels like irreparable harm to each other. I've forgiven her. I think I've forgiven her. But my heart still fears her. I still believe her words sometimes.
I can sense in my spirit that the One who I belong to is calling me to believe His words this year. I feel a chain wanting to break off of me. Isn't is funny, though, how sometimes in our fear, chains can feel safer than what it takes to get free? This though, this is my jubilee year. I'm not going to the Hallmark store. I will make my own card. And I will write His words to me and give them to my mother in person rather than chicken out and mail it. The thought makes me want to run to the bathroom, frankly. The promise of freedom, though, makes me unclinch my stomach and grab my shield. And possibly a bucket to throw up in.
But, uh......would anyone want to go with me?? ;)
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