Thanksgiving on the Moon

Last night?  I sat around the table with my kids, those in town.  It's Thanksgiving today and they are going to be with their father so I took last night to celebrate.  My boys, all deep voiced and able to pick me up and carry me, all together for the first time since summer.  They aren't perfect but they're mine and I love them fierce.  My girl, China princess, is the only one of my three girls still living near and I marvel at her ladylikeness, her grace.  I look around the table and tell God silently in my head how much I love them.  How much I love Him for creating this family who've held together sometimes by cords that threatened to break.  And I am on the moon happy just to be in the same room with them, much less be their mama.  I look across the table at the boy who isn't mine, all spilled milk 13 and silly, and smile at him, love him, for his mama in heaven. He puts his hand on mine and looks at me and I am honored for it. I get up and go find our young server and ask her about the history of the building and use the time to ask her about her, to wish her a happy holiday.  To brush up, even for a minute, next to another heart and let them be seen.  That's important to me.

My heart felt pridefully sad when check time came around.  I couldn't afford to pay for them all this time.  I hated the way it felt, the way it looked.  I would give my kids every single thing I had, except that I keep breathing and so I have to eat and keep warm; except my girl has been given a chance this year with school that still makes me shake my head.  I know she's supposed to be there?  I just can't figure out how He's going to pay for the whole year.....and beyond.  And then there's Christmas and then there's my granddaughter's arrival coming soon..... did I just say granddaughter ??..... and I so want to fly there.  But I'm not sure I can.

That list of "and then's"?  I'm ok with those.  It keeps me in a "heavenly tension" of dependence on Who my Provider really is in comparison to what I see with my earthly eyes.  It causes me to let Him set my pace, create my agenda, write my adventure, hold my hand up and lay down whatever I think I need and watch him weave into me His desires for my heart.  My price of lack has given me an eternal bullseye.  You can't buy me away from that.

So when the money gets low, I look for ways to love that nurture the heart.  I speak words so there's no mistake.  I do laundry for one, send a check to another,treat one to lunch out.  I take the phone call and listen to the agony of defeat and the thrill of victory.  I pray in the middle of the night.  I jump ready to be there when I hear their voices.

There's a quote from 700 Sundays,  written by Billy Crystal.  It makes me cry harder than I can see every time I read it.  It peels back the skin on my heart.  It gets it right.

"About a year before my mom passed away, it was a Saturday night in L.A., very late, around 12:45 a.m......the phone rings and I panic because when you're a Jew and the phone rings late at night it usually means somebody is dead.  Or worse; they want money.  But it's mom calling.
"Mom?  You okay?"
"Yes.  I'm fine, dear."
"But Mom, it's 3:30 in the morning there"
"I know.  I just wanted to hear your voice.  That's all.  I woke up your brothers too, but I wanted to hear your voice."
"But...you're okay?"
"Yeah.  I just.....couldn't sleep.  I've been having trouble sleeping."
Her honesty was disarming.  "Oh.  really..."  I said softly.  "Why can't you sleep?"
"Oh, I'm listening for you boys."
I knew exactly what she meant.  The cry in the middle of the night, the nightmares, the fevers, the "pirates" in the room.  Then they get older and it's the sound of their cars pulling up in the driveway, keys jingling in the front door lock, just so that you know that they're home safe.  She was 85 years old now, alone in the house, her sons scattered across the country, but she was listening for us."


I'm not the president of anything, the business woman with pointy shoes and blazers, the one who screams talented or beautiful?  I'm not the one who makes the men want to slay dragons or the women want to be me?   But this much I am......the daughter of a King.  And out of that place, I can love.  To the moon.  And back again.