Lessons From the Week

I'm just home from seeing my boy graduate college.  It took him seven years but not for not being full of living.  He spent a year in Africa in film school, He joined the navy reserves so he could help finance his own college studies.  He rode a helicopter and took news footage.  The boy was busy.  But today, he has that behind him and Africa in front of him.

I sat across from my boys' father at dinner and whispered gratitude heavenward that we'd come to the place where we could join forces and love our kids with no animosity and send then skyrocketing to their lives happy.  It has been a bumpy journey but we've learned how to navigate the turbulence of the early years of divorce and come to a place of peace and positive regard.

I fought hard this week with assumptions and selfish ambition.  With insecurities I thought were in the distance.  It loomed large and I lashed out harsh at a boy I love and broke trust that feels like I'll never be able to mend.  I learned that what I wanted was more important to me in that moment; to feel okay with everything, to speak truth reckless without wrapping it in gentle.  I taste regret and a knot forms in my stomach as it churns acid.  I'm not enough to want to forgive, I "hear" in my head and I struggle to lay it to rest.  I don't know what the future holds, and I've no choice but to abide and accept what will be.  It niggles like worms in my brain.  I'll never be enough to love, plays singsong mocking in my head.  Go to the back of the line.  Game over.  You lose.  Send in the replacements.  I can never quite shake the feeling that when I mess up, I'm gone.

And it's then that I realize, it's still about me.  And I bring what I can't shake to Him.  Again and again.  He has me in His hands.  I believe that.  When will I ever be all the way together?  I saw the assault of social media on my spirit and my mind start to lie to me and busy me up with too many words and not enough "likes" and it was pathetic.  I learned I need to work to hear truth and sometimes I need to use the off button to stop the advertisements.

"Our whole class loves you!"  "I see Jesus in you"  "Do you realize how people are drawn to you?"  "NO,"  I say flatly.  I cut, I wound, I attack. I'm replaceable.  But  I put these affirmations in my heart box and receive them from my Papa God.  He's putting His hand on me; not to point to me.  To reassure my fumbling self this week....."Rest easy, my girl.  I am showing Myself strong in your weak.  That's as it should be.  I have you right where I want you.  In the palm of My hand, pliable, teachable, fallible, tender. You are not a failure.  I'm using your heart as My home."

I've pressed on hard to hear from God.  I've told Him I meant business.  That I wanted to know what He wanted me to learn.  And I wasn't kidding.  And He answered me and I swallowed hard like a sore throat.  I got taught because I asked Him to.  I learned He really is listening.  And He teaches until we "get it".

So.  Yeah.  It's been a week.  And I am a little sore of heart and mind.  I'm tired from thinking.  I feel like a pest with God and my friends, this wrestling and working out I've done.  But I know that my heart belongs to Him.  That much I learned for sure.  Because when I do wrong the first place I run is Him.  I wish I could smile prettier.  I wish my resume was exciting.  I wish my Facebook page, my writing, my presentation made me seem like I am sewn up confident all the time and I don't need.  I wish I had a more shapely derriere and comely shape instead of my skinny self.  I wish.

I've learned?   I'm none of that and to strive to be any of it wears me thin and I forget to be what I am.  I stop trying so hard.  And find that I'm loved after all.  Still.  That shapely butt would be nice.