Untitled......

My granddaughter is letting everyone know she's going to arrive soon.  It could be tonight.  It might be tomorrow.  So we wait.  And I wait far away, several states away.  I have the heart, just not the money to go.  And I was fine with that.  I've learned, the years of being divorced and on my own being my teacher, that His grace is truly enough and when I don't have enough, I still do.  I know that sounds pious and terribly spiritual.  But to look around at what He's done for me, as I sit in a house that's way too big for me and have to think ahead of time which outfit to wear to work the next day because I have a closet full of them?  You see, when I kicked myself out of my marriage?  I expected to be kicked out of God's favor.  I deserved to live in a gutter.  That's what I believed.  Falling and failing caused me to feel His arms around me for the first time in my life.

So yeah.  I risk sounding like the church lady because this is one truth I have lived.  He is my rescuer.  He is also my provider.  He is my idea of a perfect man, if ever there was one.  He loves to surprise me, to show up just when I'd given up and dazzle me.  Today he whispered in the ear of someone who didn't fully understand what she was hearing.  "Give the money you were given to Tamara.  She needs it to go see her granddaughter."  The amazing part of this?  She had no idea I wasn't going to go, because she had no idea I could not afford it.  So, my Man, my heavenly Dad.......tapped a friend on the shoulder I haven't seen or spoken to in ages and used her willing heart to bless me.  He did that for me.  For me.  Can you imagine how pleased He is that one of His children listened to intently to bless another so quickly.  It makes me smile happy.

The past two weeks, I've stepped into the gym and looked up hungry for comfort. I've felt like such a failure.  I've cried lonely for hearts I broke and lost company that I treasured.  I slapped myself over and over for never getting it right.  For feeling like I would never grow up and be what He wanted me to be.  For not being able to love well.  I've seen faces once turned to me eager, now look the other way cold and I felt like I was going to throw up.  Father?  I broke what You gave me.  I'm scared I used up Your grace this time.  What if He won't help me make it right?  What if He somehow attaches school fees as an addendum to punishment like a heavenly congressman and I can't pay for those either?  What if my daughter can't finish out the school year?  What if all of this is my fault?

But....God.  Be still.  And know.  That I.  Am God.  

This morning as I walked the gym and sung "I'm no longer a slave to fear....I am a child of God." I sensed a presence.  His presence.  "I'm doing things You don't see.  Be still.  I will show you Who I am."  

I'll whisper all of this to Baby Beatrice when I see her.  And I look to the horizon for more of what He has.